Its a tough thing to admit that it is happening. I have to show strength and I need to admit that I am a victim of domestic abuse. I am beating myself up.
This isn’t something to take lightly or a joke by any means or sarcasm towards the true violence a person can cause another person.
I am talking about the torment one puts themself through on any given day when trying to pass judgement on the decisions one makes to benefit their own life.
I constantly let myself beat myself up and theres often nothing I can do about it.
"I’m not a good husband" I’ll say without flinching
"You’re a terrible Dad" with nary a hesitation in my voice
"Youre a miserable employee and should be fired" and yetIm not even fazed realizing what detrement I am causing myself.
There are no affirmations, just the worst case scenarios and lack of positive reinforcements to prevent myself from being overwhelemed by self doubt.
The abuse has gotten severe enough that I’m too afraid to tell anyone I’ve been going through it. I feel locked in a stagnant loop of self-deprecation unable to rebuild any semblance of self confidence and watching emotionlessly and any modicum of self-reassurance and initiative fades with the passing days.
I could take baby steps away from myself and refocus on the things I am good at and branch off from there using those skills to make connections and build relationships that would get me from a job to a career and away from the monotony that creates daily dissuasion and overwhelming self doubt over my own abilities as a beneficial participant of modern society.
"Where will my brain take me today" I want to ask myself as I wake each day, instead the leading thought of my waking day is "here we go again". I need to find my flashpoint and stop the abuse I have wrought upon myself and cut the weeds from the path. Build strong social connections and utilize my talents and gifts to do something that makes me happy in the day to day tasks and give myself a better living. When I live better for myself, I live better for others but I need to realize and muster up the confidence and resolve knowing that no matter what I try and no matter what I set out to do, I will not fail because by merely trying and taking that first step I have not failed. Failure is that which was never tried. Success is the measure of how much we gave of ourselves to get the best result beyond our perceived limitations. I am not here for self congratualtions or outside affirmation to whither my self doubts. I’m here to kick myself in the ass so that I do what I can to make this life one that I can look back on and see value in and that others saw value in. Enough with the abuse and the self doubt and the artificial limitations that I wear like shackles. You cannot stop me, you cannot even contain me. No matter what I say to myself I will shrug off my own self inflicted limitations. Today the abuse stops. I will be a better and happier and benefit myself and others for it.
We are each of us our own best friend and our own worst enemy and most of all our own last hope.